It's All In My Mind.

Ever had the thought, "Why isn't so-and-so at peace with God?"

I have. I think it a thousand times a day, or so it seems. It seems to be directed at everyone I see who looks angry, unhappy, lonely, fearful, etc.

One day someone said to me, "Smile." My first thought was, "Why should I have to smile?" So I just asked, "Why?" with a smile. For me, I wanted the question answered, truthfully. The smile was supposedly for their benefit. To make them happy. And what I noticed was that I instantly felt better. I had no idea that I was so deep in thought that I was no longer feeling anything except the heaviness of my thoughts. So I thanked that person silently (heaven forbid they should know they were right!) And there have been times when I was sure I wasn't even thinking about anything. And I wasn't smiling, either. I wasn't feeling happy and I can't even say I was feeling sad. I probably wasn't feeling anything.

And then someone has the nerve to step into my thoughts and tell me to smile, as if I wasn't happy enough for them.

I've done that. I had it happen to me so many times I then thought it was cute to step into someone else's thoughts and say, "Smile." I was getting back. I was feeling superior. I was putting someone else down. My revenge hath no limits. I would even say it to a dog. I find it interesting that the only times I have ever told someone to smile was either when I was feeling exceptionally happy and saw what I took as someone deep in thought (let's break their thoughts up with this one...) or when I myself was not feeling too happy and I needed to boost myself by pointing out someone else's unhappy state of affairs (according to me.)

It's all the same. It's in my mind. My happiness, their happiness. My sadness, their sadness. Then I discovered that no one else is happy or sad unless I thought they were. Let's not bother to ask them. I know. I can see it in their faces. It's written all over the way they walk. It's in their voice. Why do I know these things? Because it's in my face. It's in my walk. It's in my voice.

I don't really know anyone else. I know them as me. I think that they think the way I think. When I get angry at someone else it's only because I see them doing something that I am angry at myself for. Do I admit that? Never. It's easier to see them as something I hate so I don't have to face up to the truth about me. I can be unhappy forever by always projecting who I am onto others and then believe it really is them and not me. My unhappiness is about not bringing the truth home to where it really belongs. I don't care if so-and-so is happy or not. If I see them as happy that makes me happy. So it's me I really care about - in my mind. And if I see them as happy and I say, "What right do they have to feel happy when I don't?", then again I am projecting my thoughts, beliefs, and feelings out there onto someone else just so I can somehow feel better about me.

If I were to simply say, "I see it as this, and I know it's in my mind," I wouldn't have to feel bad about attempting to pile up grief and guilt onto someone else just to make me feel better.

So I look out and think I see someone beating up on another. And I say, "I see this particular movement out there and it looks like a beating. That means someone is getting hurt. That means someone must be punished for hurting another. That means..." All it means is that I have learned my lessons well. Someone else told me what it meant for them and I accepted it as that. The really interesting part in this is that I take on fear, grief, unhappiness, or even joy ("Oh, goody. There getting theirs.") in the meaning I gave to the movement out there.

It's all in my mind.

And do I even really know me? I smile when someone else tells me to smile. Or I smile when something outside me gives me cause to smile. Or I smile just because I had the thought to smile. Does that mean I am a smiley person? Do I know me because I see my face, or watch my walk, or listen to my voice?

What I perceive about me or anyone else is all in my mind. It's a collection of beliefs that `this' means `that'. It seems to have worked pretty well so far, I tell myself. It's kept me living for as long I have, I tell myself. And even this is just another belief, I tell myself. It works because I say it works. And I keep telling myself that so I will believe it.

What do I know? It's all in my mind. That's all I know.

Can this bring me peace? Maybe, maybe not. But it can bring peace to others because now I can get off their case about what I think about them. But maybe they don't care what I think about them and they are at peace anyway. So maybe I'll think it will bring them peace and therefor I will not feel bad about trying to upset their peace. So maybe it's all about me being at peace with myself and they can take care of themselves, or not.