What Turns Relationships Sour?

This is about relationships and my perspective on what sours any relationship.

On reflecting about our lives with our partners, we might think that we have wasted years of our life with a partner that just wasn't right for us. Having been married more than my share of times, I've been in several such situations. I also recognize, after the fact, that I've suspected from early on that the relationship I was in wasn't a good one. But I stayed in there until the problems get so messy that one of us just couldn't stand it any longer. Such was the case recently with one of my friends.

It pains me to see my life being repeated by others. I can explain marital dynamics to anyone. But I can't change anyone's mind about what they think is best for them. And there should be no reason to try.

Let's consider what might happen when the husband decides early on to buy a gift for his wife. He thinks his gift is just right. She thinks it is totally inappropriate and insists he take it back. The husband may feel completely rejected. If he does, it is doubtful that he will feel good again about buying her another gift (once bitten, twice shy). If she continues to reject any of his gifts for any reason, he may just stop buying her gifts. When he stops buying her gifts (or they trickle in), she may feel that he doesn't love her anymore and begin complaining that he doesn't do things to show her he loves her. His withdrawal for his own emotional safety becomes her justification for expressing her fears, and usually in the form of an attack on him. Once an attack has been launched (by either party), the outcome of the battle seems to be a foregone conclusion.

What we have in this situation is the husband expecting a certain behavior from his wife (unconditional acceptance of his gifts, and always with a loving attitude and cheerful gratitude) and the wife expecting a certain behavior from her husband (he should know what she likes and he should always do his best to make her feel loved).

It doesn't have to be about gifts. In my experience, marital conflicts are always centered around each other's expectations of how the other person should behave, think, feel, respond, etc. And seldom is it found that when an expectation is not met that we will discuss our findings with each other. Especially early on in a relationship. Heaven forbid we should rock the boat.